Sunday, February 14, 2010

Sew much more...

The good thing about having a meltdown; if it's an hour, a day, a week , a month or longer is that at some point you get sick and tired of being sick and tired.

That's when you say, "Self, what is it that you know how to do that always makes you happy?"

For me, it's sewing. And anything to do with looking at patterns always, always relaxes me.

If there is a death in the family, say one of our pets has died, after the burial, I have to find a pattern store. One day, in 1991 my son Joshua's pet rat died. We took it to the vet because she was sick. She was two years old and the vet said she was not eating because she was old and there was nothing we could do for her.

Well, my 13 year old son decided it would be in her best interest to have little Estey put to sleep.

We cried.

We went home, found a box and a towel, a shovel and a tree to plant. I shoveled some. He shoveled some. We cried.

Later, when my husband got home and Josh just wanted to veg out in front of the T.V., I went to the Rag shop and sat for two hours looking at pattern books. I may have bought a pattern or three. Some fabric. Some thread.

I felt better. The tree has beautiful yellow

flowers that attracts yellow butterflies. In the hurricane of 2005, it got pushed over on its' side.
It didn't die. It is still growing, pushed over on its' side.
Estey resides under the roots of the tree.

In 1999 Tabby, our 20 year old cat died. Buried in the back yard. In June of 1999 Lady, my beloved 17 year old Doberman died. She was cremated. Her ashes are on my bookcase shelf.
2008 was a difficult year. We lost Daphne our 14 year old persian/siamese, Squirt, (from my sister Joann who died in 1993 and I got her cat), and finally, Liz our 13 year old boxer (ashes on my
case) all three died that year. I was a wreck.

I spent a lot of time at Joann's looking at and buying patterns and fabric.
Two weeks ago, I took out my box of favorites and spent some time dreaming. Later I pulled out some linen fabric and began to layout, cut and sew.
Now I have six new long, fishtail linen skirts to wear to work.
I have mourned my heart attack.
I feel better.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Melt down

Had kind of a melt down about two weeks ago. See, I had two small heart attacks the end of December and the beginning of January.

This spread is a bunch of photos taken with the little Zumi camera I had in my purse while in the hospital.

I'm OK, but now on drugs that cost over $300.00 dollars every month. Made me feel kind of weird and dizzy too, the first few weeks I was taking them. There's a blood thinner that makes every pin prick bleed for an hour.

At first I was in shock. This couldn't be happening to me! I have been walking almost every morning since the birth of my second child, 34 years ago. I have been on a low fat, no meat, low salt diet for years and years since it seemed like the healthiest and sanest thing to do. grrrr

A week after I came home I got sick with a cold. Am still coughing now! Fevers still coming and going. Rats!
This is pissin' me off. This is the anger stage. Then I got sad. Now I am used to the idea. All stages of grief for the official loss of my youth. grrr.

Guess I shouldn't be surprised. My mom died of a second heart attack when she was only 60 years old.

And you know what, she died on the same date that I had my second one. January 3rd. How weird is that?

Sure do wish we had health insurance. But, maybe it's a wash. If we could pay $2000.00 a month for the basic plan we could qualify for, it would have been $24,000.00 a year. By the time we get the bill for this fiasco, with the cost of E.R. care, in patient time, blood tests, a bill from an ambulance company for transfering me to a hospital that has a cardiac cath lab, and individual physician charges, I bet it will all add up to about that.

This sucks. But, I am over it now. I am glad to still be here to have this worry. I see beauty everywhere as I always do and now am even happier I have had more time to enjoy it.