I made the decision with my husband early in the year that I would remove myself from the daily work as his office manager. This is something that has been on my mind for quite awhile.
I am a good organizer, but I don't like doing it. I'm just not made to do this kind of work as having to balance books, meet requirements created by institutions such as Medicaid, AHCA, CLIA, and other agencies who oversee medical practices are numerous and ever changing.
The stress of it all over these past ten years put me into the hospital six times as I have a tendency to keep my energy blocked. It's gotta go somewhere, so it ends up back where it started and I get sick. I need to feel that I have certain freedoms and having to answer to agencies who are constantly changing the rules is exhausting, frustrating and seemingly never ending.
We started out in 2005 with electronic medical record and practice management systems that are supposed to make record keeping easy, accessible and accurate for patient data. At that time, we were in the "forefront" of running a practice efficiently. Since then the insurance companies we deal with have created sets of rules that make it very difficult to file claims and get paid for work done for patients.
Now running a medical practice is complicated by increasingly tight rules and actually earning a living as a physician has turned into a nightmare of restrictions. Claims are denied over and over again for things as simple as one numeral or character being printed out over the line into the next box on a claim form. Calling the insurance company to ask why a claim is being denied is a nightmare of waiting for a human to answer. Everything is so automated, there are times when it seems as if I am calling a big computer warehouse whose programming is set for continuous transfers and more wait time. There have been times when I did speak with a representative, but they are "unable to answer my question at this time". In other words, if the claim is printed incorrectly and they are even looking at it on their computer screen, they are not allowed to tell me what is wrong. I am just told to go to the company website for instructions on how to file a claim. !!!!
And, this past year, many times educational or instructional information is offered as a "webinar". That means sitting in front of my computer while someone puts up a seminar in web form with a pointer moving quickly from one place to another in order to teach you what is now required.
Sigh. So instead of human interaction and help that was there eight or nine years ago, now technology has robotisized (is this a word?) everything.
I just can't do it anymore. Thankfully we have a wonderful woman who is very capable and strong who will now do that job. I have been training her for the past two months or so and now I am officially retired.
The first few weeks of not going in to work were disorienting! Now I have what I wanted, but what am I going to do with it? I was actually dizzy for about 10 days. No, really dizzy. Like bumping into walls and having to be careful when walking around my house. Driving was totally out of the question. The safest thing to do was to nap frequently. And read easy novels. And, try to keep the demons of worry at bay while this change of life followed its' course. I felt like that cat you see hanging on by its' claws: "Hang On!" says the sign.
Fortunately, life moves on and visualizing just feeling comfortable helps create a new space to live in and make dreams in and find enthusiasm once more. My youngest son is getting married next month and has asked me to make them a Chuppah. Now that I have started, I feel grounded and focused and fully engaged with creative activity that is fun for me. For this, I am so grateful. I'm back to being me again and WoW, does that ever feel good!
Another long hiatus from my blog, but I'm back with the intent to post my renewed interest and progress in making art with Mystele in Gut Art 2013.
I've jumped the gun, 'cause the class doesn't officially start until tomorrow the 21st of October, by reviewing some of my videos from the 2009 Gut Art class. The technique is to begin a background by writing on slips of paper an art activity, like "splash some paint" or "draw some shapes" and continue drawing slips of paper until you feel like you are done and ready to paint something. It's a way to break down the fear of, "Where do I start?"
Here is my beginning: My first layer - click on "vimeo". I'll figure out how to do this better... Vimeo
This time I just used colored pencil on a page from "Gone With The Wind". No gesso at all. Sometimes it's just fun to sketch something while watching/listening to a video on YouTube. Have been obsessed with Abraham-Hicks lately. Now "you create your own reality" from the Seth Material feels a lot more do-able. It sure would be a lot more fun to feel as if I create the reality I want by choice and not by chance or habit. Been working on this since 1985 when I first discovered Jane Roberts' Seth books . I have to learn to feel my way as well as think my way to what I want. And, imagination sure is important for any goal, any desire, any, any, any....
I seem to be spending an awful lot of time playing with the photography
apps on my i-phone. Photo Artista - Haiku is endlessly fascinating to
me. I especially like it because I can take any photo stored in the
camera and play with it - over and over and over, getting all kinds of
I dream of making art like this app does, so lately I've been using the photos as a guide. I print one out on Ink Jet Sticker Project Paper and stick it to the opposite page in my journal. Then I get my number 4 pencil out and do my darndest to get similar lines down. I like having the photo as a reference and will look at it in the future and know what I was working with at the time.
I used Inktense Watercolor Pencils thinking I didn't want the water color to run if I splashed layers of color over the drawing. It works well, but this weight paper in the journal is really only for dry media, so I'm not too happy with the watercolor effect. It just does not run down the page when it is wet and it is very hard to blot color up for highlights. Oh well, the drawing part is really what interests me now.
Next time I'm going to do a very messy background page first, and then draw the image. I'm sure I will like it so much better because it will be a lot less controlled.
Draw and learn. Over and over, draw and learn.
I decided to draw a face while watching a movie and had a really neat face drawn in watersoluble pencil. I'm sorry I didn't take a photo of that now because as just a face on the watercolor paper, I was really happy. However when I took a small brush with just a little water to the lines, they suddenly got very black. ugh! I was not happy that I had fooled around with her face. Two days later I added wings and some water color to her eyes and lips. And, still I was not happy. Grrr. It's amazing what changing a line does to a drawing! I should have left it alone! grrr! Feeling like I could rip it out anyway, I just added hair with water color and left her alone till morning.
Somewhere along the line, maybe while dreaming, I decided to draw some flowers in ink and color them in to add to her hair, TO COVER IT UP. An improvement, but I long for her graphite only face. No hair, no wings, just white space all around her fair face. sigh.
Done. Sprayed with fixative. Destined to live in my watercolor journal. But she is growing on me. A face from my imagination who led me into choices filled with resistance.
Remember these words of Maya Angelou: "Not everything you do is going to be a masterpiece, but you get art there and you try and sometimes it really happens. The other times you're just stretching your soul."