Art trials-

I am changing my idea about myself.

For the past several months, I have been monitoring/taking mixed media classes online. Being very timid about drawing and totally afraid of what I might create, I have not been fanatically creating stuff. The fear has been getting in the way. A lot.

Slowly, however, with pencil and watersoluble oil pastels in hand, I have been splashing paint on watercolor paper. Most of the time I want to rip the page out and never see it again. Lately, though, I have just been accepting my first efforts as, just that. First efforts. Not really important in the scheme of my daily life. No one sees them. No one can make hurtful, wise-ass comments. No one can ask, "Why bother? What are you doing this for?" Enough of that goes around and around in my own head to keep me cringing at the sight of all my new art supplies. Little is made, but that's where I am, for now.

I haven't even turned on my sewing machine since March! Unheard of in this house! What? No new skirts? No new tees? No multicolored nine patch quilts? Nothing at all for my two granddaughters? sigh.

I have found this about myself. I am solo-focused. Is that even a word? I cannot switch from sewing to drawing easily. For now, if I want to learn how to draw and color, I have to just draw and color. It's bad enough trying to turn off my work brain to switch to play brain without also trying to do sew brain.

Now I know why people say childhood is a fun time. All you are expected to do as a child is learn stuff. Words, numbers, manners, concepts, ideas, new foods, walk, run, rollerskate, ride a bike. No body cares if you misspell, add it up incorrectly, or burp out loud - at first. Imperfect behavior is the natural domain of a child and if you are lucky, the adults around you gradually and patiently show you how to do all of it better. If you do fall off your bike, most likely your mom or dad or auntie will bandage you up and put you right back on the seat of that bike to see that you keep going. How nice is that!

All of that is harder as an adult. Things have become hardwired. Beliefs about limitations have settled in. New activities with body or brain come slower. I have forgotten how to be patient with myself. Now, when I was a kid, my parents often fast forwarded me to act more grown up. I was the firstborn of four and did everything first, fast and perfect. This is not easy to change, but I am trying. I don't want to get older and not have explored my abilities for fear of failure. When I am 90 (G-d willing) I want to be busy. I want to indulge my curiousity without all of this fear hounding me. And, I don't want to apologise for being born anymore.